A few weeks ago, I wrote an article titled ‘The Visit’. After sharing that article with my son, he decided to write from his perspective. These are his words. I have only edited misspellings for clarity.
I wake up disoriented & confused. I try to open my door but I can’t because I’m in the hole. I was put in the hole with my privileges taken because I fell asleep & didn’t return to work. I was also placed there after I argued with staff that refused to allow me to get medical attention. This is nothing new.
I get out of bed, wash my face, brush my hair and teeth. Then I put my armor on. Yes, my armor. My armor consists of a bad attitude & an expressionless face. These will be the things that somewhat protect me from the predators. It’s not much needed but I still have to keep up this image even though I’m in the hole.
I lay back down & think about my girl & my mom, the two brightest parts of my life. I have their pictures & others on my wall. I try to imagine life with them but all I can see is life without them. Wondering how long it will be before I’m left all alone. I know these thoughts are silly but they invade my dark mind everyday. The radio is playing & other people are yelling in the background. There are 16 blocks in the hole so it can be pretty loud throughout the day & night.
The most interesting part of the day is mail call, but to some it’s just another disappointment. We all stand at our door& wait for the guard to bring another day of hope or despair even though most know it will be the 2nd of the two options.
Hours pass & my door receives two knocks. The guard has informed me that I have a visit. I ponder who this could be. Maybe my lawyer but he doesn’t even seem to care, so maybe it’s my mom. Surely enough it’s her. I shed my armor & put a smile on my face. I refuse to allow her to see the anguish that I have for not being there when she is down on her luck. When she needs me to be strong for her because she is sad, depressed or hurt. I refuse to let her see the emptiness in my eyes. So I put on my smile & enjoy this moment. This is one of my many faces.