Finding yourself while falling

Have you ever found yourself in that place of feeling you have totally fucked up your life? Like, “Yeah, I know I accomplished some shit but, I am NO FUCKING WAY NEAR where I really thought I would be”. I suppose that’s a mid life crisis, right? I’d rather like to think its a time of enlightened self reflection. Because you know…the other thing sounds so damn bad.  Anywho, that’s where I was like a few months ago. The kids were pretty much grown and solidly afoot in their paths. I was coming to the necessary end of a both cherished and difficult relationship that I did not want to let go of. I was overweight and not the happy, sexy kind. I was the internally, self conscious (but still selfie taking) broody, resentful kind. I was enjoying my job in an industry that is very dear to my heart and being heartlessly underpaid. I was living in the house my Father died in. Sleeping in the same bedroom. My son,my oldest boy, the one who forever changed the trajectory of my life was incarcerated for not one, but two murder cases. Both of which were highly publicized. I was over it. I was at my wits end. My relationship with a few key family members hung on by the thinnest of dental floss and in some cases was frequently volatile. I was very sick and tired of my life. 2A40FB00-3BEE-4721-A1FF-B45B858693C9

And I prayed. And I asked God to please, just let me out, without me having to die and without me having to lose anyone who mattered to me. And because God has a wonderfully marvelous sense of humor and is abundant in his blessings, he gave me a harrowingly exciting but terrible,  mini rebound that restored my bruised ego and also put me up on stud game. But I also met a very sweet, loving and kind stud that set the balance back in place.  For once, my body actually cooperated and I lost some weight. God doubled the blessing and sent me to Atlanta freaking Georgia with a good job and a relocation package. That’s why I was gone so fast. I am telling you…sometimes you just got to pray…you never know HOW God is gonna answer. ME back in Atlanta with no kids…NOW? You do the math!

 

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Anyway, I am here. And true to form I am indeed in the middle of another adventure. But I am having fun which is as you know very important to me. Judge your Mama. But I will keep you posted.

AND WAIT let me tell y’all about some hate mail I received. Chile….people really be out here wishing you ill will and really hating you with some venom. I am really trying to think of anyone that I have ever hated with the poison dripping off that pen. Hmmm…not the guy who raped me. Not the ex who knocked my front teeth out. Probably the only person I have hated like this poor soul hated me, was the person who molested my family member.  I will be honest, for a minute it really hurt my feelings. I know, I know you arent supposed to admit that because that makes them feel good about what they did or some shit. I don’t really care about that. It stung y’all. I don’t think anyone other than one of my exes new Boo thangs has ever spewed that kind of vitriol at me. But hell she tried to do it anonymously too. Tried. Dumb ass. I was shocked that anybody could look at little ole me and really hate my ass like that. Like for real, for real. Hell, what the hell did I do to you, lmao? But see,  that’s probably why she hates me. Because I can only take that seriously for a few minutes because it really is a joke. I was then ashamed that I let it bother me. Trust me, this lady is a professional hater. The hate runs deep in her veins. She hates more than just me. I am sure I am on a long list of people she just ‘can’t stand’. I obsessed for a second over the identity of the caller wondering who the fuck could dislike me that bad. Because what’s super creepy is, this is someone who somewhat watches my life. It’s somebody who likely has looked right at me and smiled. Very creepy shit. This is new to me, okay? I know and have heard all this stuff before but my dumb ass really thought all y’all really, really liked me lmao!

Anyway, I was rapidly moving in the wrong direction and made the executive decision to make an educated guess at the source, advise them that their friends message had been delivered and to politely leave me the fuck alone.  Hell, I am getting hate mail in a WHOLE ‘NOTHER STATE. Bitch, I don’t even live there anymore, what the fuck?!

Okay…I know, language, Nicole language. I apologize but not really because if I was really sorry I would edit that shit which I didn’t so….🤷🏽‍♀️

But for real, though I needed that. For one it validates the decisions I have made. Secondly, it made me confront the worst possible version someone could see of me and find their assessment untrue. To know that I am confident in who I am and the life I have lived and that the people who really matter do love me and I love them. Flaws and all. That I find that truly I am the only person who needs to be satisfied with my life and the way its been lived. That was some of that good ass, hurtful growth but it was short and it did a lot for me. I dont even wish my typical wish of karma. Instead I am pretty grateful for that experience. I got to flex a muscle I have been working on for a long time and its called self esteem.

It’s like finding yourself while falling. You get to places in life where youre plunging toward something or away from something. Either way, life gets real on the dive. You decide real quick what matters to you and what doesn’t.  Because these are the times where we are fighting for our lives. The dark times we dare not share. The real faces behind what we post on social media. The ugly. But that fall can be redemptive if you pay attention in the midst of the scare of it all. Listen to what really matters to you. What you cannot live without. Hear your own hearts desire. And when you land roll with those things and those things only. Because THAT’S the shit that matters to you. And it doesn’t matter what it is. Even if it isn’t popular or ‘acceptable’. It might be something that does not matter to anybody else, but it is okay if it matters to you. Nurture those things.

So we’re catching up. I am glad to be writing again. Gladder that you are reading.

Blackberri xoxo

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